Remembering

Two years ago today I had a miscarriage. I remembered this last night as I was laying in bed. It brought back memories surrounding that event, along with all the thoughts and feelings I experienced in the days after. Time has brought a lot of healing, but I'm even surprised myself to find that I still hurt over this.

I remember feeling extremely low and disappointed; though not depressed nor mad at God. I was angry, but I didn't know where to direct my anger. Andy was hurting with me, but it just wasn't the same. I didn't feel like I could help him to understand what I was thinking and feeling. It seemed so unfair. We would be good parents and we wanted our baby. He would be well taken care of by us. Why couldn't we have him? Confusion filled my mind and heart for a long time. My sweet sister-in-law called me weekly, knowing what I was going through, and let me just ramble about my short pregnancy, why I was upset, what I was feeling. She let me just talk to her about my baby. That was the best therapy and I am so grateful to her. She sent me the song Glory Baby by Watermark, which to this day makes me cry. But the tears remove frustration and lift burdens and it, too, was good therapy.

It's hard to imagine that Andy and I have a sweet baby in heaven that we don't know and have never met. What would he have been like on this earth? What kind of character would he have; what would his interests be? Andy felt strongly that the baby was a boy and so we gave him a name, but it is ours to keep.

Shortly after the miscarriage, a woman from church approached me after the service and said, "Lacey, when Andy walked into the room today, I could only think one word: Daddy." I started to cry and told her our story. I found out two weeks later that I was pregnant again. Joy filled my heart, but fear too. By wanting this baby did that mean I didn't want the one we lost? Or by wanting the one we lost, did that mean I didn't love this one the same? I didn't want to choose. In a perfect world I would have them both. Now Georgia is here and I can't imagine life without her.

Miscarriages are hard. It was one of the most difficult things I have had to endure. They are more common than we think. For those women who have also experienced a miscarriage, I hope that God restores you and brings peace to your soul. He has to mine.


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